The Rule of Three, At Least for Me

         I've never had “casual” sex with someone before. I have always wondered how I would feel about it. Would I like it? Would the other person think of me differently? Would he tell his friends? I often hear stories about how it never works out. My friends would warn me and say, "you will get attached and your heart broken or you will feel empty once its over.” I have to admit that these reasons (aside from STDs) are exactly why I never tried immersing myself that deeply in “hook up” culture. - I’m scared. I am aware that these things can easily happen to me and I could do without such problems. Consequently, I started making all these rules for myself. 

#1.Never have intercourse with someone who isn’t your boyfriend/partner. 

#2. Never date someone who has previously had sexual relations with a close friend. 

#3. You are allowed to make out with whoever you find foxy as long you are comfortable and enjoying yourself. 

#4. If things get too heated and you find yourself naked make sure to say “ooh look at the time” and point to the invisible watch that's on your wrist.

# 5. Make sure YOU are always making the decisions and that you are in charge.

I got quite good at these rules. So good that I’ve left some pretty frustrated and riled up potential lovers sitting in their car with jeans around their ankles and wood between their legs. Of course, I wanted have sex with them but I reframe from doing so as a form of protection. But I began to think, why do I need to go through such precautions anyways? 

I have concluded that our individualistic society has taught us to focus on our individual pleasure as a top priority. I don’t mean that every person is selfish in bed but we don’t lookout for each other enough. And in the most simplest ways. The mindset of responsibility prior to our decision to be with someone sexually seems to be lacking in the general public of U.S society. If we lived in a community based society then sex would always include honest communication, the acknowledgment of each other bodies (condoms and prior STD testing), respect (consent), and appreciation (never shaming the other person for their bodies, sexuality or the frequency of their sexual activity). Unfortunately, many people have had sexual encounters that lack at least one if not more of the previous listed attributes. 

       Is it radical to say that whether casual or not, sex is a type of intimacy? If I should share my intimacy, I would like it to be appreciated. This appreciation should be a genuine one… not a superficial one. My partner should always see me as a PERSON ---> a living, thinking and breathing human who has decided to share their body. In that decision, the other person gets to experience a facet of who I am. A part that not everyone is allowed to see. That experience is wonderful because my body is beautiful and so is my sexuality. Expressing yourself sexually is a good thing but there needs to be recognition of our personhood and humanity. This means consent, responsibility and respect. Both committed relationships and casual sexual encounters need to obtain all three. 

At least for me.