Diving In:

Little by little, I am practicing the art of giving no fucks. No fucks about what others think about me or what I do or how I look. No fucks about the pace of things, where I am in life in comparison to those around me. I am always grateful but I need to be happy.

I am relinquishing all that latent bitterness, envy, insecurity. I am letting go of any borrowed sense of meaning. I'm going to do my thing with a sense of clarity and conviction.

Watch me.

Move

I asked my grandmother how should women move in the world? 

And she said …. head, torso, hips

she explained, Its our intelligence that make us aware of who we are in life and how society views us. Its our hearts that guide through the darkness and its our hips that give life, hypnotize and infatuate those around us. "Thats how a woman should move in this world" she said. 

I asked my mother, how should I move in this world? She said, "con duda y poder". Don’t trust a place where a woman has no face, where she is just a body on display. Be weary of a world that doesn’t recognize you, that leaves you, cheats on you while you raise their children. Don’t trust a world that has you chained to the bed as you give birth… while you wait to see your baby’s face. Move carefully but with strength.

I asked my tia how do i should I move in this world? She said, "dance como si eres muerta, libra y sin vergüenza". Know that you come from a long line of beautiful women who have fallen and gotten up, who fought back after being dragged and who left their homes to create a new life when no one appreciated them. Dance as if you were dead, free and without shame. 

I asked my sister how should I move in this world? She said "move without apology". Walk with your head up high and love in your heart. Speak truthfully and with authority. Have nothing command you but yourself. Know the space around you is self-held and self-felt. Mover 

I asked my brother how should I move in this world? He said, "move with pride, mija". Show others who fail to understand who you are, that you live in this world brown and beautiful in time where it is dangerous to do so. They feel threatened by your existence. Interrupt their reality and perception by shaking their hand and showing them  that you are human- even though its not your job to do so. Move with pride, mija.

I asked myself, how should I move in this world? "Move… just move," I said.  Move even though you have been left and cheated on. Move even though you have been sneered at with disgust as they said “mira esta morenita” with their nose up. Move even though a customer is yelling at you, saying you are less of an American because your family are immigrants- even though he is a chicano veteran. Move even though you have woken up without your clothes and no one is man enough to tell you what happened to your body. Move even though you had to let your first love go. Move when someone calls you “a lesbian” as an insult because my sexuality is none of their damn business. Move even though you feel alone when you really have an army at your side. Move when you have tears in your eyes. Move when you are broken and torn down. 

I said to myself .. move with that smile on your face because you know better.  Move with those eyes that show nothing may phase you. Move around those who wont walk with you. Move your head, torso and hips and dance as if you were dead, in world that doesn’t recognize you but your steps are without apology and you are proud of your brown identity. Move mija, move. 

And To my sisters who are in between- my gender queer queens,  androgynous,  transgender two spirited loves. Let you be seen in a darkness that make you worriers.  Move

lesser woman

   Some days, like today, my anxiety hits me like I am being pressed against a wall and the earth is spinning in the opposite direction. I find solace in physical comfort (a hug or hand-hold). Those are the times I feel like I need someone the most, like if I had one person who I could call and ask, "am I going to be okay?" They would always answer. They would want to do "nothing" with me. Just to be near me and do their thing. Those days, I feel truly dependent and I hate it. 

   But the fact that nothing is truly shared and that  I will never really belong to anyone scares me more than anything. 

   How elusive is this thing called life? We borrow a womb. We borrow our childhood home. We borrow beds and car rides and exchanges in dim-lit sticky party bars. But we can't ever really keep any of it, even before we are truly gone. Doesn't it scare you to know that no one anywhere will ever be able to live in the EXACT moment as the one you are living at any moment? There is no way to truly recreate or relive or share any experience. exactly as it was.

   The closest things we have are art and sex. Art is skewed and never really mimetic. Sex is so marred with emotions and hormones, there is no room to realize that you are IN it. 

   Nothing is completely shared and nothing is completely ours. 

   Most of the time, I am alone and I feel fine. Sometimes, I want someone to share living with. 

   Does that make me less of a woman?

Porcupine

I have strength
but I'm weak.
I have courage
but I'm afraid.
I am all of the victories
and mistakes I have made.


I don't like what I see when I close my eyes.
The problem just gets worse when I open them.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I can't stop being me.
All I can do is be better.