Introspection(s) on Day 2

Forgiveness seems less like forgetting. I think forgiveness is remembering that bad feelings shouldn't own us. Disconnection or disruption is inevitable when people grow. Forgiveness is an act that reminds us that feelings serve to teach us. They shouldn't live too long within us after they have performed their function.

Introspection(s) on Day 1

Realization #1: Feelings of jealousy do not ever completely go away. I have been wrong in thinking that one day I will totally free from those feelings. What matters is how I handle them when they arise, and how I view myself after they subside.

The Past

https://open.spotify.com/track/48EjSdYh8wz2gBxxqzrsLe

It is very difficult to describe what depression feels like, but I think this song does paint a fair impression of it. The struggle to get rid of something that engulfs you completely often seems impossible to overcome.

Depression has held me for so long it feels like it is a part of me. I obsess over the past because I think retrospection will help me better understand myself, so I can get a sense "who" I am. But looking to the past has only caused me pain and taken me further away from myself. It has taken me further away from truth and love.
I have only looked back to find ways to confirm I am undeserving of--everything good.

I have no idea where to go from here.

Depression has always blanketed my perception, so I feel conscious of an immobility that lingers somewhere along a path not yet chosen. I don't want to be lost anymore. I don't want to be static.

Today, my heart was heavy with a numbing pain. I sat down somewhere  and tried to cry, but instead I moved my body. I moved, and I listened, and I sang.

My heart is heavy, but my body feels light. I know that all I can do right now is just let go.

That's all I can do: let go.

The Past

https://open.spotify.com/track/48EjSdYh8wz2gBxxqzrsLe

It is very difficult to describe what depression feels like, but I think this song does paint a fair impression of it. The struggle to get rid of something that engulfs you completely often seems impossible to overcome.

Depression has held me for so long it feels like it is a part of me. I obsess over the past because I think retrospection will help me better understand myself, so I can get a sense "who" I am. But looking to the past has only caused me pain and taken me further away from myself. It has taken me further away from truth and love.
I have only looked back to find ways to confirm I am undeserving of--everything good.

I have no idea where to go from here.

Depression has always blanketed my perception, so I feel conscious of an immobility that lingers somewhere along a path not yet chosen. I don't want to be lost anymore. I don't want to be static.

Today, my heart was heavy with a numbing pain. I sat down somewhere  and tried to cry, but instead I moved my body. I moved, and I listened, and I sang.

My heart is heavy, but my body feels light. I know that all I can do right now is just let go.

That's all I can do: let go.

01/09/17

Thunder rattles me.
I lie in bed and stare at my bookcase:

Paper cranes stuffed in a paper cup.
A stack of old notebooks effaced by nonsense words--memories the writer can't even decipher.
Unread Baudelaire.
Unread Kant. Unread Morrison.

The ghosts of old love letters just thrown away (Well, if children's words had ghosts).

Why do certain truths swell and arise confrontations within me?

There is no love left for the loveless whose curse is knowing that no feeling can secure the existence of belonging.
There is no comfort for the wallflowers-- for the ones who sit in bars and wait for pretty faces to procure the existence of beauty.
There is no vindication for the girls who bathe in the dark and neon lights of seedy dance halls but don't move their hips or shoulders or summon a smirk at the sight of raw sound.

Why do I keep throwing my bucket down into an empty well?