¡Oye Loca!

Lately I’ve been having some interesting conversations with a few male acquaintances. Unintentionally, (or perhaps intentionally, I really don’t know) the topic of conversation gradually moves to previous romantic relationships. The subject never makes me uncomfortable. In fact, I catch myself saying a mouthful about past loves - both positive and negative. And of course, I mention my own imperfections that contributed their demise. It wouldn’t be fair to make myself seem like the perfect girlfriend that does no wrong. I’m far from it. 

We all know that having a perfect partner can be quite a fantasy. Yet, what strikes my attention is how loosely the term “crazy” is thrown around to describe one’s ex. And although I have heard this come from the mouths of both male, female and everything in between about a diverse group of genders and identities, I can’t help to feel that being a “crazy ex” is disproportionately used to describe female identified individuals or women. The conversation (as I have experienced it) goes a little something like this: 

Acquaintance: “Whooo! My ex was crazy!!” 

Me:  “Oh yeah? What made them so crazy?”

Acquaintance: “Well first of all, she used to flip out on me for no reason! When we broke up she blew up my phone, went to  all my shows and started to tell lies about me to all my friends” 

Me: “…. interesting” 

Acquaintance: “Hell yeah, we used to fight all the time. One day I got fed up and left her”

Me: “ I see, that must have been hard for you…” 

Okay, so obviously I cannot say whether this acquaintance’s ex is a liar, stalks him or has anger issues. Not my place to say. But is there really a crazed ex for every new straight male I meet? After the 5th time hearing virtually the same story from different people, I started to pick up on a pattern. She is angry, jealous. yells, and tries to communicate- a lot.  The first thing that’s always said after being asked to describe a “crazy ex’ is: “She gets mad for no reason.” Eventually I stopped believing the “no reason” part. Why? Because I started asking myself...

When did it become that “ Angry woman”  = “crazy” ?

Is being, and acting upset an automatic recipe for being labeled crazy because women dare to display human emotions. Perhaps, its communication that people refuse to hear. I would like to ask my fellow acquaintances the following question. 

Are we people? -A product of society that tells women that we should always be more beautiful then the next and that tells men they should think with their dick (as Elijah put it). If women are positioned in society to compete with one another and men are taught to always guide themselves sexually and physically. Tell me, how can we not be crazy? Gender norms in general are CRAZY but they affect us.

Are we broken if we distrust you? Are we ugly, if thats what we see in the mirror?  Do you hate us for looking through your phone? Are we crazy for being upset?  

Side Note: 

Now you might say, “But Abeni, what if my ex’s actions WERE unnecessary, over the top and down right …well.. crazy?” 

Its true that some people’s who act ‘crazy’ toward their partners can be controlling, obsessive and abusive. I am not defending people who mistreat their partners, that should never be acceptable. But the term “crazy” has the tendency to dismiss even most serious aspects of a relationship. If there is violence present whether it be physical, sexual, mental or verbal, it is important to seek rehabilitation for the abuser (meaning the abuser takes responsibility for their actions and takes steps toward rehabilitation to become a new and whole person) and support for the surviver. 

What I am trying to say is maybe we should look at these actions, these feelings and communication (or lack there of) as serious issue in every relationship. Especially romantic ones. Perhaps we should speak about our ex’s as people instead of writing them off as “crazy.” 

Fragments of experience

Below is a screenshot of something I wrote on my tumblr such a long time ago. I think I was trying to forget something personal. I don't know. I tend to disconnect from my uncomfortable experiences and it's been a long time since I have been intimate with someone who cares about me. It makes me feel weak to admit that I need real affection, but I deserve that.

Forever Fades Away

For the past two years I was so obsessed with my last relationship so when it ended it wasn't suprising but heartbreaking. People couldn't even say his name in front of me without me cringing or even crying. I replayed in my mind the past two years how it started from beginning to end where did it go wrong? Why didn't it work. So I start and I remember how funny,loving sweet and caring he was. How great it was he got a long with all my friends how i could just sit with him for hours watching random movies smoking bowls. How we where so fucking obsessed with batman and and just marvel/dc comic shit and would literally go to frank and sons every weekend and pick up new collectibles most importantly how it was so easy to speak to him about any random thought on my mind and yet still be so shy and timid at the same time because he made me feel that warmth inside I never did the feeling that he cared about me something no one ever had made me feel loved.

 But what was different? Why him? I don't know if I had settled at the time or why I choose him but I figured it out and he still questioned it. Why? He was a average looking guy with flaws he said. people I didn't even know would come up to me and ask why are you with him what's wrong with you are you blind? And of course that would make me upset because I never saw it that way I never saw those flaws I wasn't a shallow person.. all I saw was him so I knew I hadn't settled I loved him,and right their is where I immediately stop myself and remember all the bad... his self image of himself made him insecure and me having insecurities myself I wasn't trusting when it came to anything. I remember getting so upset if he didnt text me back within 5-8 min i would immediately assume the worst. so the fighting begins the lying the double standards the phone locking the name calling the breaking up getting back together the arguments where unbearable I started getting depressed. 

I knew it wouldn't last now,shit was getting old people want more then that in a relationship at least I did. So I began doing exactly what he was doing lying locking my phone arguing back ,the double standards where the worst. Apparently speaking to girls was ok and texting but for me it was a problem I remember he would text other girls even my girlfriends and that was ok. He would spend the night at one of his gf houses and would go out eat whatever. He was so use to me not ever doing anything talking to guys chilling out he got comfortable so when I finally decided to do all that he flipped apparently it was wrong for me to do it and obviously he didn't like it.

I remember getting threatened to be left If I went to a coworkers house to chill and just hang. It got so bad I locked my phone as well playing someone's game back . That's when I realized my relationship was getting so toxic i was so deep into it not realizing how bad it was getting I was afraid of every and any little move I made like walking on thin ice. Trying to do everything the right way so I stopped caring. The love just went away it wasn't fun anymore so I purposely did what I did to let my relationship go. 

I tried to work it out but it wasn't fixable anymore hurtful things where said and done no way to take it back and the fact that he never realized he was good enough was the thing that set me of the most to finally be like ok felisa you need to move on I think that's what screwed me up the most he couldn't just except it that I was their to stay and love him and I hate that. I had the biggest resentment because we had plans I loved him so much,expecting to have kids with that guy marry him move In together. Now he is nothing but a hello and goodbye. I know that he will eventually find someone he is not a bad person we where just not ready for a relationship at the time together I needed to love myself first more then anything. This is something I kept with me these past two years why now? Because I held on to these feelings for so long i could never talk about it and I'm finally in a place in my life where im happy and feel confident and whole as a woman and i dont need to hide who I am and express myself whenever I want "hago que me da la gana cuando me da la gana" because I know I am worth more.

 I'm now engaged happily I'm a very lucky woman finally found a person who doesn't "deal with my bullshit" who is with me for me it feels good to have change someone who understands and sees you for who you are and as I for him.I now know my self worth.