For the past two years I was so obsessed with my last relationship so when it ended it wasn't suprising but heartbreaking. People couldn't even say his name in front of me without me cringing or even crying. I replayed in my mind the past two years how it started from beginning to end where did it go wrong? Why didn't it work. So I start and I remember how funny,loving sweet and caring he was. How great it was he got a long with all my friends how i could just sit with him for hours watching random movies smoking bowls. How we where so fucking obsessed with batman and and just marvel/dc comic shit and would literally go to frank and sons every weekend and pick up new collectibles most importantly how it was so easy to speak to him about any random thought on my mind and yet still be so shy and timid at the same time because he made me feel that warmth inside I never did the feeling that he cared about me something no one ever had made me feel loved.
But what was different? Why him? I don't know if I had settled at the time or why I choose him but I figured it out and he still questioned it. Why? He was a average looking guy with flaws he said. people I didn't even know would come up to me and ask why are you with him what's wrong with you are you blind? And of course that would make me upset because I never saw it that way I never saw those flaws I wasn't a shallow person.. all I saw was him so I knew I hadn't settled I loved him,and right their is where I immediately stop myself and remember all the bad... his self image of himself made him insecure and me having insecurities myself I wasn't trusting when it came to anything. I remember getting so upset if he didnt text me back within 5-8 min i would immediately assume the worst. so the fighting begins the lying the double standards the phone locking the name calling the breaking up getting back together the arguments where unbearable I started getting depressed.
I knew it wouldn't last now,shit was getting old people want more then that in a relationship at least I did. So I began doing exactly what he was doing lying locking my phone arguing back ,the double standards where the worst. Apparently speaking to girls was ok and texting but for me it was a problem I remember he would text other girls even my girlfriends and that was ok. He would spend the night at one of his gf houses and would go out eat whatever. He was so use to me not ever doing anything talking to guys chilling out he got comfortable so when I finally decided to do all that he flipped apparently it was wrong for me to do it and obviously he didn't like it.
I remember getting threatened to be left If I went to a coworkers house to chill and just hang. It got so bad I locked my phone as well playing someone's game back . That's when I realized my relationship was getting so toxic i was so deep into it not realizing how bad it was getting I was afraid of every and any little move I made like walking on thin ice. Trying to do everything the right way so I stopped caring. The love just went away it wasn't fun anymore so I purposely did what I did to let my relationship go.
I tried to work it out but it wasn't fixable anymore hurtful things where said and done no way to take it back and the fact that he never realized he was good enough was the thing that set me of the most to finally be like ok felisa you need to move on I think that's what screwed me up the most he couldn't just except it that I was their to stay and love him and I hate that. I had the biggest resentment because we had plans I loved him so much,expecting to have kids with that guy marry him move In together. Now he is nothing but a hello and goodbye. I know that he will eventually find someone he is not a bad person we where just not ready for a relationship at the time together I needed to love myself first more then anything. This is something I kept with me these past two years why now? Because I held on to these feelings for so long i could never talk about it and I'm finally in a place in my life where im happy and feel confident and whole as a woman and i dont need to hide who I am and express myself whenever I want "hago que me da la gana cuando me da la gana" because I know I am worth more.
I'm now engaged happily I'm a very lucky woman finally found a person who doesn't "deal with my bullshit" who is with me for me it feels good to have change someone who understands and sees you for who you are and as I for him.I now know my self worth.
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