The Past

https://open.spotify.com/track/48EjSdYh8wz2gBxxqzrsLe

It is very difficult to describe what depression feels like, but I think this song does paint a fair impression of it. The struggle to get rid of something that engulfs you completely often seems impossible to overcome.

Depression has held me for so long it feels like it is a part of me. I obsess over the past because I think retrospection will help me better understand myself, so I can get a sense "who" I am. But looking to the past has only caused me pain and taken me further away from myself. It has taken me further away from truth and love.
I have only looked back to find ways to confirm I am undeserving of--everything good.

I have no idea where to go from here.

Depression has always blanketed my perception, so I feel conscious of an immobility that lingers somewhere along a path not yet chosen. I don't want to be lost anymore. I don't want to be static.

Today, my heart was heavy with a numbing pain. I sat down somewhere  and tried to cry, but instead I moved my body. I moved, and I listened, and I sang.

My heart is heavy, but my body feels light. I know that all I can do right now is just let go.

That's all I can do: let go.