¡Oye Loca!

Lately I’ve been having some interesting conversations with a few male acquaintances. Unintentionally, (or perhaps intentionally, I really don’t know) the topic of conversation gradually moves to previous romantic relationships. The subject never makes me uncomfortable. In fact, I catch myself saying a mouthful about past loves - both positive and negative. And of course, I mention my own imperfections that contributed their demise. It wouldn’t be fair to make myself seem like the perfect girlfriend that does no wrong. I’m far from it. 

We all know that having a perfect partner can be quite a fantasy. Yet, what strikes my attention is how loosely the term “crazy” is thrown around to describe one’s ex. And although I have heard this come from the mouths of both male, female and everything in between about a diverse group of genders and identities, I can’t help to feel that being a “crazy ex” is disproportionately used to describe female identified individuals or women. The conversation (as I have experienced it) goes a little something like this: 

Acquaintance: “Whooo! My ex was crazy!!” 

Me:  “Oh yeah? What made them so crazy?”

Acquaintance: “Well first of all, she used to flip out on me for no reason! When we broke up she blew up my phone, went to  all my shows and started to tell lies about me to all my friends” 

Me: “…. interesting” 

Acquaintance: “Hell yeah, we used to fight all the time. One day I got fed up and left her”

Me: “ I see, that must have been hard for you…” 

Okay, so obviously I cannot say whether this acquaintance’s ex is a liar, stalks him or has anger issues. Not my place to say. But is there really a crazed ex for every new straight male I meet? After the 5th time hearing virtually the same story from different people, I started to pick up on a pattern. She is angry, jealous. yells, and tries to communicate- a lot.  The first thing that’s always said after being asked to describe a “crazy ex’ is: “She gets mad for no reason.” Eventually I stopped believing the “no reason” part. Why? Because I started asking myself...

When did it become that “ Angry woman”  = “crazy” ?

Is being, and acting upset an automatic recipe for being labeled crazy because women dare to display human emotions. Perhaps, its communication that people refuse to hear. I would like to ask my fellow acquaintances the following question. 

Are we people? -A product of society that tells women that we should always be more beautiful then the next and that tells men they should think with their dick (as Elijah put it). If women are positioned in society to compete with one another and men are taught to always guide themselves sexually and physically. Tell me, how can we not be crazy? Gender norms in general are CRAZY but they affect us.

Are we broken if we distrust you? Are we ugly, if thats what we see in the mirror?  Do you hate us for looking through your phone? Are we crazy for being upset?  

Side Note: 

Now you might say, “But Abeni, what if my ex’s actions WERE unnecessary, over the top and down right …well.. crazy?” 

Its true that some people’s who act ‘crazy’ toward their partners can be controlling, obsessive and abusive. I am not defending people who mistreat their partners, that should never be acceptable. But the term “crazy” has the tendency to dismiss even most serious aspects of a relationship. If there is violence present whether it be physical, sexual, mental or verbal, it is important to seek rehabilitation for the abuser (meaning the abuser takes responsibility for their actions and takes steps toward rehabilitation to become a new and whole person) and support for the surviver. 

What I am trying to say is maybe we should look at these actions, these feelings and communication (or lack there of) as serious issue in every relationship. Especially romantic ones. Perhaps we should speak about our ex’s as people instead of writing them off as “crazy.”